How to give your child The Talk

Be eating dinner and editing a document for work at the same time. Half-listen to your stepson talking about babies in the background.

Ensure you have a large spoonful of carrot soup in your mouth when he says:

“How do you even get a baby?”

Pause and think maybe I can skirt this and come back to it at a better time.

Answer, cop-outily: “Sometimes people plan to have a baby, other times it’s not planned.”

Sit in silence for the next 16 seconds. Watch your son realise this is a shit answer.

“Ok. But how do you get a baby? Like how do you get one?”

Swallow soup. Make eye contact with your partner who stares wordlessly at you. He will later unconvincingly tell you this is because “you were doing such a great job already!”

Panic internally. Start with:

“Ok, so grown ups do this thing called sex.”

Have your son tell you sassily that he already knows that. (He doesn’t).

Continue with an explanation about how most women have uteruses and eggs and most men have penises and sperm. Fill him with far to much information that’s fairly needless at this point by telling him that there are only some times that an egg is in a uterus, so to make a baby the sperm has to meet up with an egg during that time. Clumsily try and explain a menstrual cycle. End this section with:

“And then that’s why most women get their periods”
“What’s the period?”
“All of that uterus lining coming out through their vagina”

Watch your son looked both shocked and doubtful. Think you’re telling me, bud.

Continue explaining how sex is best left for older teenagers and adults because it’s a pretty big deal. By now your partner is helping too, thank Christ.

Talk about vaginas and penises, contraception like wearing things to stop sperm coming out, consent and peer pressure, and how not everyone can (or wants to) have babies. Speak about trans people and same-sex couples. Resolutely do not laugh when he says:

“Yeah like maybe two women are just really good friends?”

Gal pals. Sure.

As his eyes glaze over, hurriedly try and end with extra emphasis on consent and good secrets versus bad secrets.

Have him tell you “I don’t even have any secrets, and even when my friends at school tell me good secrets, I still tell them to the teacher just in case they’re not allowed.”

Think what a good kid and man, what a narc.

Put your son to bed shortly after because by now it’s way past his bedtime and he’s so bored he actually wants to go to bed.

Sit on the couch and drink a large glass of wine.

Realise half-way through your wine you literally said “sometimes you can wear things to stop sperm from coming out and making a baby” and imagine him going into a relationship wearing a Magic No Babies Jumper. Die a little inside.

Finish wine.

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